Newest jokes

A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says 'I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys.' Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, 'Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?' The man answers, 'I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?'

There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Farrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the guy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said. "oh, around 175-200. Want to see?" Of couse the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it?' he asked to himself. Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then ralized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead. Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch up with the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and siad.. "Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

- So - the wife says, what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?

- Well - says the man, rubbing his nose, by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.

He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.

They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says:

- Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said:

- When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked:

- How did it go?

The man answered:

- Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.

He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened to have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black condom.

Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear a black condom? The pimp told him:

- To show respect for the dead.

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

- Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop? - Arnold asked.

- Not very likely - his wife said.

- It's worth a try - Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said:

- Just a minute. I'll have to look for these.

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out:

- Here they are!

- No kidding? - Arnold called back.

- That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time.

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

- They'll be ready Thursday - he said calmly.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.

He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

- Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? - he says.

- That's cool - says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds:

- why don't you two go out and screw?

I hear all the kids are doing it. Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

- Yeah - says Carries father:

- Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

- Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.

Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want to name them without him seeing them first. But the hospital insists that the babies must be named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the happy couple are set to name the babies when a nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took care of that.

- Oh no! - they cry.

- He's crazy and doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he pick?

The nurse says:

- Well, he named the girl Deniece.

- Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.

And how about the boy?

- Denephew.

Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.

- Mahoney! - he said, shaking his head.

- It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this.

- Yeah - Mahoney said, curling his lip.

- But I don't eat here.