Newest jokes

These two sperm were swimmin' around, doin' their thing, and one sperm asks the other...

- Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube???

- Naaaa, this is still the esophagus.

A naive young girl goes into the doctor's office. She says:

- Doc, I'm getting married and I'm a little inexperienced, so I'd like to ask you a few questions.

He says:

- All right.

She says:

- All right... what is that thing that hangs between my fiancé's legs?

The doctor says:

- That's the penis. The male organ, the penis.

She says:

- Okay. And what is that big red knob at the end?

The doctor says:

- That's the glans. The head of the penis, the glans.

She says:

- Okay. And what are those two round things, about twelve inches behind the head?

The doctor says:

- Well, lady, I don't know about your fiancé, but on me, they're the cheeks of my ass.

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment. She only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn't affect their sex.

They went at it hot and heavy all night long, then in the morning Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her:

- I'm Mighty Thor and I have to leave now.

She looked at him and said:

- You're thore I'm tho thore I can hardly pith.

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted:

- What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.

The prostitute snapped back:

- What do you want to do, knit or fuck?

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over after they went home and got ready.

Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one.

Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.

The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick.

Charlie replied:

- No, I need it for my arms, the women never showed up!

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection.

That night, he decided to make his move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect.

He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under his nose. Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said:

- Honey, quick, turn on the lights, and check this out!

She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked:

- What do you think?

She looked at him and said:

- Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said:

- Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?

She looked down at him and promptly replied:

- Hello, you little fuck!

The three dwarves were in Rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They got to talk to the Mother Superior.

- Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?

- Sorry, but there are no dwarf nuns here.

- Well, are there any in the city?

- No, there are no dwarf nuns.

- What, none anywhere in Europe?

- No, little man. None in the entire world. Take my word for it.

At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing.

The Mother Superior asks:

- What's so funny?

- Dopey just fucked a penguin.

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

- Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

- Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

- Mom: How?

- Daughter: Oh, stuff....

- Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

- Daughter: I don't know.....

- Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember

- Daughter: Really?

- Mom: Really...

- Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?