- That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker - the housewife told a neighbor.
- You didn't do it, did you?
- I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time.
- Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time.
And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
- Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!
And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
- You're going to kill him - they say, or
- He's just yanking your chain, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous.
- You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?
The wife stoically replied:
- I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass.
- Darling, will you still make love like that to me after we're married? - she whispered after they had finished making love.
He considered this for a moment, and then replied:
- I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says:
- My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
The man thinks:
- What does a priest know about sex?
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states:
- My son, sex is definitely play.
The man replies:
- Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?
The Rabbi softly speaks:
- If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.
"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend. "She broke down and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says:
- We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after.
- Well, since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus. - the doctor replies.
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.
- Guess what I got planned for dinner? - she asked seductively.
- And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today.
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:
- Mama! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that.
Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks:
- Why the panties?
She replies:
- My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks:
- What's with this... a black condom?
He replies:
- I'm going to offer my condolences.
The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he was sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."
This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom.
- Oh yuck!! - she proclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband.
As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked:
- What, they don't use those things where you come from?
- Yeah, but we don't skin 'em! - she said.
