Once a couple were on vacation. The husband was lying on the beach facing downwards on his stomach & the wife was patting him on his butt. He happened to ask her what she was doing, she said "I`m playing the Tabla" He turned around & told her "Alright now you can start playing the flute".
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.
It's called Genitalia.
From a Southwest Airlines employee....
- Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled:
- Who turned on the fucking lights!
- Oh, no sir - the nearest flight attendant replied.
- Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'
Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him:
- Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.
Steve says:
- Will that keep me from getting sick?
The doctor says:
- No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.
Helpful advice for travellers: If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you.
BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the SAME TIME with a bomb?
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated.
- Who turned on the fucking lights? - a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character.
- These are the breakfast lights, sir - she answered with forced sweetness.
- The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them.
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab:
- They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.
- And what's so funny?!? - the New Yorker demands.
- Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food.
