Newest jokes

A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked:

- I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really curious... What does Hell look like?

So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said:

- I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me.

And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said:

- Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator.

The man said:

- Thank you

and then climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven.

After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said:

- I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one more question.

- Go ahead - replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked:

- I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?

Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered:

- Snow and ice, huh. I guess the Denver Broncos finally won the Super Bowl !!

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door and told when to jump

- My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.

He quickly answered:

- Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him:

- Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?

The man said:

- no.

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him:

- This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!

The man replied:

- Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.

- That's really sad - says Bob, but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?

- No - the man replied, they're all at the funeral.

Why couldn't the Lesbian tennis star compete in the Dutch Open?
→ She got her finger caught in a dike!

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.

- I've been stung by a wasp - she says.

- Where did it get you? - he replies.

- Between the 1st and 2nd hole.

- I think your stance must be a little too wide.

Weight Control

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

- Beating around the bush: 75

- Jumping to conclusions: 100

- Climbing the walls: 150

- Swallowing your pride: 50

- Passing the buck: 25

- Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight): 50-300

- Dragging your heels: 100

- Pushing your luck: 250

- Making mountains out of molehills: 500

- Hitting the nail on the head: 50

- Wading through paperwork: 300

- Bending over backwards: 75

- Jumping on the bandwagon: 200

- Balancing the books: 25

- Running around in circles: 350

- Eating crow: 225

- Tooting your own horn: 25

- Climbing the ladder of success: 750

- Pulling out the stops: 75

- Adding fuel to the fire: 160

- Wrapping it up at the day's end: 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

- Opening a can of worms: 50

- Putting your foot in your mouth: 300

- Starting the ball rolling: 90

- Going over the edge: 25

- Picking up the pieces after: 350

Examination to Qualify for Entrance to UNLV
(basketball players only)
Time Limit: 3 weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) Easterners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting

You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

This is a passenger announcement. The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come insideways.

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers:

- Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super.

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

- Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.

She calmly turned her head and said:

- In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat:

- Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch.

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter:

- What is that you just served?

The waiter replied:

- Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!

The American, though momentarily daunted, said:

- What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!

The waiter replied:

- I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said:

- These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied:

- Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.