Newest jokes

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:

- Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

- You can't keep him from playing! - the coach roared. - We won't win this weekend without him!

- I don't care - the dean said. - Things have gotten out of hand at this college.

- What do you mean, out of hand? - the coach demanded.

- I'll show you what I mean - the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said:

- Tell me, how much is six times seven?

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said:

- Thirty-one?

The dean turned to the coach and said:

- I rest my case.

- Oh, come on now - the coach said. - Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one.

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.

- Sorry, old man - Peter said - But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game.

- Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain... - the old golfer blithered.

- Well - said Peter - You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy.

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office:

- We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain...

- So - booms God - You've been taking my name in vain.

- Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!

- OK. Try me - replied the Lord.

- Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree...

- And that's when you took my name in vain?

- Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole...

- So, that is when you took my name in vain?

- No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole...

- Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

- But why? - they asked, as they moved off.

- Because - he said - I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?
→ Never mind it's pointless.

What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?
→ Having arms and legs.

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?
→ Don King.

What do the Pope and the Giants have in common?
→ Both cram 30,000 fans in a stadium and end up saying JESUS CHRIST!!

Why are the N.Y. Giants like a tampon?
→ They're only good for one period and have no second string.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said:

- You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment:

- Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.