Newest jokes

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

- The weddin's off - he shouted. - Everybody bugger off!

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him.

- What's the problem? - he asked.

- Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride! - exclaimed the father.

The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.

A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled:

- All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!

As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked:

- What happened to make you change your mind?

Grinning sheepishly, he replied:

- Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth:

- I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.

The Pope says:

- No way. You can't do that.

The Queen says:

- Watch this.

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking:

- Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says:

- I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.

The Queen goes:

- No way, it can't be done.

So the Pope headbutts her.

What do they call condoms in Germany?
→ Weinerhosen

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed:

- Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg.

The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.

The resident replied:

- As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something.

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most.

The clerk said:

- It's made in Germany.

I said:

- That's too bad, I can't use it then.

The clerk said:

- What's the matter? You don't like German pens?

I said:

- No. I just never learned to write German.

Australia.

Where men are real men
And sheep are scared shitless
And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

- Black pepper, or white pepper? - asked the concierge.

- Toilette pepper!

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
→ An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?
→ They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."