Newest jokes

- Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

- Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

- Patient: What happened?

- Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

- Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

- Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.

Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.

Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.

The farmer says:

- Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?

The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says:

- It's $1.00 per word.

The brunette thinks about this and says:

- Comfortable, write that.

- Comfortable? - the guy questions.

- Yes, you see she reads slow.

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said:

- I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?

Gloria said:

- I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.

Alan asked:

- Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?

Gloria replied:

- No, just up to my waist.

Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
→ To avoid the draft.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
→ Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
→ Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
→ Trying to hold on to a thought.

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
→ They don't know the route.

Why do blondes work seven days a week?
→ So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

How does a blonde commit suicide?
→ She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

- Artery -- Study of paintings

- Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria

- Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails

- Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U

- Caesarean section -- District in Rome

- Cat scan -- Searching for kitty

- Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

- Colic -- Sheep dog

- Coma -- A punctuation mark

- Congenital -- Friendly

- D&C -- Where Washington is

- Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events

- Dilate -- To live long

- Enema -- Not a friend

- Fester -- Quicker

- Fibula -- A small lie

- G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game

- Grippe -- Suitcase

- Hangnail -- Coathook

- Impotent -- Distinguished, well known

- Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee

- Labor pain -- Got hurt at work

- Medical staff -- Doctor's cane

- Morbid -- Higher offer

- Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate

- Node -- Was aware of

- Outpatient -- Person who had fainted

- Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis

- Post operative -- Letter carrier

- Protein -- Favoring young people

- Rectum -- It almost killed him

- Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery

- Rheumatic -- Amorous

- Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf

- Secretion -- Hiding anything

- Seizure -- Roman emperor

- Serology -- Study of knighthood

- Tablet -- Small table

- Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport

- Tibia -- Country in North Africa

- Tumor -- An extra pair

- Urine -- Opposite of you're out

- Varicose -- Located nearby

- Vein -- Conceited

A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

- How can I get to the other side of the river? - she shouts loudly.

The other blonde replied:

- What for? You are already on the other side of the river!

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts:

- Ready . . . Aim . . .

Suddenly the brunette yells:

- earthquake!!

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts:

- Ready . . . Aim . . .

The redhead then screams:

- tornado!!

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts:

- Ready . . . Aim . . .

The blonde shouts:

- fire!!

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said:

- CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES.

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

- Cop: Do you know where you were going?

- Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.