Newest jokes

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out:

- green side up!

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled:

- green side up!

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled:

- green side up!

The lady then asked him:

- Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?

- I'm sorry - came the reply.

- But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

- I'm here for the paint job - she said.

- Alright - said the man.

- Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house.

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction:

- I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response:

- Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back.

She replied:

- No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

- I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

- Why, that's amazing! - the doctor says.

- Did you follow my instructions?

The blonde nods:

- I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.

- From hunger, you mean? - said the doctor.

- No, from skipping - replied the blonde.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies:

- I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats:

- I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies:

- I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica.

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient:

- Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?

The blonde turns around and says:

- Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird.

- Awww, look at the dead birdie - she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says:

- Where? Where?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

- Brunette: I'll have a B and C.

- Bartender: What is a B and C?

- Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.

- Redhead: And, I'll have a G and T.

- Bartender: What's a G and T?

- Redhead: Gin and tonic.

- Blonde: I'll have a 15.

- Bartender: What's a 15?

- Blonde: 7 and 7

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

- Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

- Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.