Newest jokes

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks:

- So how high can you advance in your organization?

The Priest says:

- If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.

- Well, could you get any higher than that? - asks the Rabbi.

- I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an ArchBishop - said the Priest a bit cautiously.

- Is there any way that you might go higher than that?

- If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal

- Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal? - probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said:

- I supose that I could be elected Pope, but...

So the Rabbi says:

- And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?

- What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!

The Rabbi leaned back and said:

- One of our boys made it.

What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?
→ A religious movement!

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked:

- How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?

The old man looked around and lowered his voice.

- I'll tell you, Rabbi - he whispered.

- When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.

So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother:

- Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.

- That's okay with us - the mother said.

- But what made you decide to be a minister?

- Well - the boy replied.

- I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.
As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says:

- Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time.

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him:

- I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.

- Preacher: You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?

- Old Man: No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering:

- An 'R'! They left out the 'R'.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again:

- It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional.
After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her:

- I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife.

- That's true - he replied.

- as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives.

- How disgusting - she said.

- you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung.

With a slight grin, he just said:

- Yes, mam I am.