Newest jokes

A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein:

- Tell me, Becky, have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome?

- No - said Mrs Finkelstein.

- I haven't. What's going on in Rome?

- A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things, decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus.

Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows.

- Indeed? And who is responsible, then?

- I'm not sure - said Mrs. Moskowitz.

- I think they suspect the Puerto Ricans.

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.
What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said:

- I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes.

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on.
The the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.
Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear:

- I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

- Father! - she cried.

- just WAIT until you hear this!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said:

- Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?

- Well, father - the nun began.

- I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!

- A serious infraction, indeed! - said the priest.

- But that's not what has me so excited, father - replied the nun.

- it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!

- What an incredible wager! - exclaimed the priest.

- What did you do?

- Well, I hit the CEILING, father.

- How much did you win?

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said to her papal neighbour:

- Father, surely you can do something about this...

To which the Pope replied:

- Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management.

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing.

- I'm blessing it - the priest replied.

The rabbi replied:

- Oh,

then he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly:

- Good morning son.

- Good morning pastor - replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.

- Sir, what is this? - Johnny asked.

- Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service - replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly:

- Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also.

- Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings - said St. Peter.

They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter:

- Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?

St. Peter looked at the Pope and said:

- True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here.

Did you hear about that guy who was asked to be a Jehovah's witness?
→ He refused becuase he hadn't seen the accident.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

- A priest. Somebody get me a priest! - the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

- A PRIEST, PLEASE! - the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

- Mr. Policeman - says the man.

- I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

- Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . .