Newest jokes

A Nun and her friend, Sarah were playing golf. Sarah misses a 3 foot putt and yells:

- Goddamn it, missed the bugger!

and the nun says:

- If you keep saying that then God will punish you.

Next hole Sarah misses a 2 foot putt and says:

- Goddamn it, missed the bugger!

and the nun says:

- ONE more time Sarah, and God will punish you!

Then Sarah misses a neoot putt and says:

- GOD DAMN IT!!! MISSED THE BUGGER!

Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the nun dead with a bolt of thunder.

God says:

- Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them.

- What's going on here, anyway? - he asked.

- This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her! - one of the crowd responded.

- Wait - yelled Jesus.

- Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

- Aw, c'mon, Dad... - Jesus cried - I'm trying to make a point here!

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

- Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said:

- If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.

- I don't think I'll be there - the boy said.

- You don't even know your way to the post office.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.

- Well, - they said - let's try this out.

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command:

- Heel!

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him.
That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant.
In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said:

- Why, God, why now?

After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?

From up above, there came a voice:

- Sorry. I didn't not recoginize you.

The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

- Good morning, Jonathan - the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.

As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand.

- What's this? - the preacher asked.

- Money, - said Jonathan with a big smile on his face - It's for you!

- I don't want to take your money, Jonathan - the preacher answered.

- I want you to have it - said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued:

- My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out:

- What shall I do?

A voice came back from the heavens saying:

- Repaint, and thin no more!

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said:

- Preacher, why did you ask us to come?

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly:

- Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go.

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

- Madam, - he said in a broken voice - I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.

- How terrible! - exclaimed the preacher's wife.

- May I ask who you are?

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.

- I'm the landlord - he sobbed.