Newest jokes

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins:

- Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?

Wilkins replied:

- I don't know and I don't care!

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

He told his friends:

- I was the James Bond type of player.

- I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.

His wife added:

- Batted .007.

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
→ All of them, a crossbar can't jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
→ They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
→ Tall stories!

Who won the race between two balls of string?
→ They were tied!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
→ Because they're always dribbling!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
→ Because he liked sole music!

What tea do footballers drink?
→ Penaltea!

Where do footballers dance?
→ At a football!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
→ Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

What's tennis players favourite city?
→ Volley wood!

How does a physicist exercise?
→ By pumping ion!

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
→ Because education pays off in the long run!

What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
→ Jog-raphy!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
→ Ince pies!

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
→ Both do hat tricks!

Which football team loves ice-cream?
→ Aston Vanilla!

What lights up a football stadium?
→ A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
→ Cornflakes!

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
→ Because there is no atmosphere!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
→ Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
→ The team's kipper!

- Ref: I'm sending you off.

- Player: What for?

- Ref: The rest of the match!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
→ They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
→ Beans on post!

Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
→ It's an appointment!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
→ They got jellygated!

Which insect didn't play well in goal?
→ The fumble bee!

What did the bumble bee striker say?
→ Hive scored!

What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
→ A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!

What are Brazilian fans called?
→ Brazil nuts!

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
→ He was the skipper!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
→ They egg them on!

What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
→ Sorry, it was a freak hic!

Why are football grounds odd?
→ Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
→ A flat back four!

Why did the goal post get angry?
→ Because the bar was rattled!

What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
→ Fiver side!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
→ The changing rooms!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
→ Bring on their subs!

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
→ Cold Trafford!

How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
→ Somebody took a corner!

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
→ It was a boxer!

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
→ The champire!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
→ Paul gas coin!

- Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time.

- Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!

- Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?

- Captain: Well, it could have been worse.

- Manager: How?

- Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
→ They might be cheetahs!

- Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player.

- Fan: Why's that?

- Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!

Why do artists never win when they play football?
→ They keep drawing!

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
→ So that they can pack the defence!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
→ In the gutter!

- Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?

- Player: I finished it in three days!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
→ The scenter spot!

Where do religious school children practice sports?
→ In the prayground!

How did the basketball court get wet?
→ The players dribbled all over it!

Why did the chicken get sent off?
→ For persistent fowl play!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
→ It was a cup draw!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
→ The bored room!

A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club.
"Were the crowd not behind you?" asked the reporter.
"They were right behind me all right," said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"

Why was the struggling manager seen shaking the club cat?
→ To see if there was any more money in the kitty!