A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.
The owner, a bit outraged, says:
- Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place..
A bit bewildered, the guy answers:
- But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here.
The owner quietly replies:
- Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies:
- This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest diameter.
- By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?
He coolly replies:
- Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.
One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.
- You have been fucking my wives - he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black.
- You see that herd of sheep - he said, pointing to the chief's herd - Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them.
- OK! OK! - said the chief.
- You keep your mouth shut and so will I.
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old:
- Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'.
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
- Aw, hell - says the eight-year-old, gimme some Cheerios.
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother:
- What'll you have?
- I dunno - quavers the six-year-old, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios.
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!" Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!" So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff." And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him:
- How deep is this hole?
The farmer said:
- Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?
The man, not wanting to get the blame, said:
- No.
The farmer said:
- Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.
A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror. If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror:
- I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar.
And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.
Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror:
- I think I'm the smartest person in this bar.
And she gets a million dollars.
Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror:
- I think...
POOF! She disappears.
Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.
He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.
She said:
- Well, he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish.
And it was done.
The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body. She said:
- Well, he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much.
The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question:
- What would you like to do with his body?
The gay man reesponded:
- Well, my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well, the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner, throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!
