Newest jokes

VERBS:

- to schmooze = befriend scum

- to pitch = grovel shamelessly

- to brainstorm = feign preparedness

- to research = procrastinate indefinitely

- to network = spread disinformation

- to collaborate = argue incessantly

- to freelance = collect unemployment

NOUNS:

- agent = frustrated lawyer

- lawyer = frustrated producer

- producer = frustrated writer

- writer = frustrated director

- director = frustrated actor

- actor = frustrated human

COMPOUND WORDS:

- high-concept = low brow

- production value = gore

- entry-level = pays nothing

- highly qualified = knows the producer

- network approved = had made them money

FINANCIAL TERMS:

- net = something that apparently doesn't exist

- gross = Michael Eisner's salary

- back-end = you, if you think you'll ever see it

- residuals = braces for the kids

- deferral = don't hold your breath

- points = see "net" or "back-end"

COMMON PHRASES:

- You can trust me = You must be new

- It needs some polishing = Change everything

- It shows promise = It stinks rotten

- It needs some fine tuning = Change everything

- I'd like some input = I want total control

- It needs some honing = Change everything

- Call me back next week = Stay out of my life

- It needs some tightening = Change everything

- Try and punch it up = I have no idea what I want

- It needs some streamlining = Change everything

- You'll never work in this town again = I have no power whatsoever

When driving through fog what should you use?
→ Your car!

Waiter to customer:

- Our specialty is snails.

- I know. One of them served me the last time I was here!

Never slap a man who chews tobacco.

There are many many more asses in the world than donkeys.

Wooden legs are not hereditary, wooden heads are.

Free cheese is always in a mouse trap.

An ugly carpet will last forever.

- Doctor, Doctor. Have you got anything that will cure fleas?

- Maybe, what made them sick?

What are seniors worth anyway? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

Well I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John.

After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!

P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him:

- Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself...

- What am I here after?

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic syphilis, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

- Good man - said the Major.

He went to the next bed:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic piles, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

- Good man - barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic gum disease, Sir

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!

1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.
2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).
9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.
10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.
13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.
14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
15. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm...).
21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.
24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.
27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

The Perfect Day According To:

HER

- 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

- 9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale

- 9:30 Light breakfast

- 11:00 Sunbathe

- 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

- 1:45 Shopping

- 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs

- 3:00 Facial, massage, nap

- 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

- 10:00 Make love

- 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM

- 10:00 Wake up

- 10:02 Oral sex

- 10:10 Big Breakfast

- 11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters

- 2:15 Enormous lunch

- 3:15 Oral sex

- 3:25 Play sports with the guys

- 4:30 Drink beer with the guys

- 6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer

- 6:40 Oral sex

- 6:50 Huge dinner, more beer

- 11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex

- 11:10 Sleep

So you think your life is bad...

Just think how bad the life of an egg is...

You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!