- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Orange!
- Orange who?
- Orange you glad I didn't say Banana!
A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the burnette goes, "Oh look, a dead bird," and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, "Where?"
How did the sand get wet?
→ The sea weed!
Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."
She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs:
- HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!
The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered:
- Oh, no ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'
She bought one of the hams.
Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs:
- HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!
She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."
At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the "damn ham."
Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said:
- That's the spirit, Dad, now pass the fucking potatoes.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
How come there aren't B batteries?
If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep:
- I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.
So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says:
- Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.
The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter.
- Anything else - he questions.
The hippie replies:
- Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.
Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells:
- Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!
So the barkeep returns to the hippie:
- That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?
- Yeah - the hippie says, but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.
The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.
"You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!"
- Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
- Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
- Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
- Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
- First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
- Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
- Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
- Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
- Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
- The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
- Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
- Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
- Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
- Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
- Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
→ They both have wet noses!
A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.
The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her:
- I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition. You have to have sex with me when I ask.
She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.
So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.
Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells:
- STOWAWAY!
Scared she explains:
- Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!
- No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!
Secret tips for making a marriage last...
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...
- Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
- Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!
So I suggested:
- How about the kitchen?
- There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !
So I bought her an electric chair.
- In the lake.
- Am I too late for the garbage?
The driver said:
- No, jump in!
