Newest jokes

A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks.

One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say:

- If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass.

They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and he is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing.

They walk over to him and ask:

- Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car.

He says:

- I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times.

Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night?

A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom.

The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
→ From eating with forks.

Why don't blondes double their recipes?
→ The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.

- What is heat? - Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on car.

Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat.

- What is heat Dad?

Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.

Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says:

- where is missy?

Angela said:

- missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down the street.

The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope:

- Just a minute, I'll be right back.

At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope:

- Follow me to your new quarters.

Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said:

- I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.

Saint Peter said:

- Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer.

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.

- Saint Peter: This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.

- Lucifer: If you want it fixed, you pay for it.

- Saint Peter: The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.

- Lucifer: Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!

Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?
→ Her dog is blind also.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
→ Neither did she.

Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
→ She needed the other hand to moan.

What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?
→ She screamed her hands off!

You've seen the Helen Keller doll?
→ Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.

Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies room?
→ She feels her way around.

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
→ Answering the iron.

How did she burn her other ear?
→ They called back.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
→ You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw. (make strange noise)

Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?
→ So her friends could read her lips.

How did Helen Keller break her hand?
→ Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.

HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?
→ BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!

How did Helen Keller drive her car?
→ One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
→ On a blind date!

What's Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?
→ A Manicure.

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
→ Answering the stapler.

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
→ Velcro.

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?
→ She was wearing gloves.

What was Helen Keller's speech impediment?
→ Calluses.

How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?
→ They made her wear mittens.

Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
→ So she could always find him.

Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
→ From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.

How did Helen Keller go crazy?
→ Trying to read the stucco walls.

How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
→ She shouted hysterically.

Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?
→ It was hell on the seeing eye dog!

What goes ("CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?)?
→ Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.

Seen Stevie Wonder's new video?
→ He hasn't either.

Your Mommas so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!

Yesterday my daughter and I drove to the babysitters house to pick up my two-year old son. We were about to get in the car to go home when I noticed a baby birds in a nest in a nearby bush.

I gently picked up one of the birds to show my daughter and my son:

- See? It's a baby - I said, trying to calm down my son, who was scared of the little bird.

- I don't want a baby, I don't want a baby - he was saying.

- He sounds just like his father - my daughter replied!