Newest jokes

Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?
→ Just in case he got a hole-in-one!

How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?
→ With their cell phones!

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
11. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
12. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.
13. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
14. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
15. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
16. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
17. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
18. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said:

- I can do better than THAT!

A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear:

- Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper - the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:

- Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

- Let me tell you a story - replied the Priest.

A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night:

- Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice:

- Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested:

- What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!

- Simple - replied the Priest...

- It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!

- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (why...a duh!)

- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)

- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (oh sure...now they tell me!)

- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!)

- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (well that's just great...now what do I use!)

- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)

- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (he-he... I gotta try this one!)

- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

- On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.

- On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (hmmm... I think I'll test this one out on my nephews :)

Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:

- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

- Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

- Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

- The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

- The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.

- The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

- Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

- The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

- Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.

Name: Bertha Belch.
Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

- Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

- The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"

- The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

- Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.

- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.

Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

- What are you doing? - his mother asked.

- The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken - the Boy explained, so I'm looking for the seal!

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
→ They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
→ Dayscare centers.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
→ His ghoul friend.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
→ I Scream.

What do witches put on their hair?
→ Scare spray.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
→ Bamboo.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
→ Boo boos.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
→ Because of his coffin.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
→ They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
→ Because everyone was a goblin!

How did the ghost patch his sheet?
→ With a pumpkin patch.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
→ His other fang.

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:

- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.

- Because, - the man says - I live in a two-story house.

The Judge replies:

- What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?

The man answers:

- Well Judge, one story is...I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

- You're running around with other women - she charged.

- You're being unreasonable - Adam responded.

- You're the only woman on earth!

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.

- Counting your ribs - said Eve!