This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.
He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.
He goes up to the counter and says:
- Banana Split, please.
The lady at the counter replies:
- Crushed nuts?
The old man says:
- No, Arthritis!
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:
- I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying:
- I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?
Bill thought for a while and said:
- I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.
Hillary was shocked, but said:
- I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together.
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill:
- So why do you have all that money in the box?
Bill answered:
- Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans...
- I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!
There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:
- Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?
After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered:
- I guess you'd be eating alone!
Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:
Time Magazine's next "Man Of The Year" issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.
The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say:
- You cwazy wabbit, you've been onwine for 5 minutes and that's way-y-y too long... we're going to boot you off!
The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, "Eh, what's up Doc?" he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
→ No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
→ Still no eye deer.
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!
What gives milk and has one horn?
→ A milk truck!
Have you ever smelled mothballs????
I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!
