Newest jokes

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

- Now, class. Observe closely the worms - said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

- Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment? - the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...

- Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:

You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:

You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said:

- Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

- It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty - it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.

God continued:

- I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.

- But Lord, - asked Gabriel - don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?

- No, not really. - God replied...

- Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

- What is your name? - Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

- John - the new guy replied.

The manager scowled:

- Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

- I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

- Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?

The new guy sighed and said:

- Darling. My name is John Darling.

- Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks:

- And get me a whisky, you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls:

- And get me another whisky you witch!

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach:

- I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!

Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says...

- For someone who can't fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says:

- Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation:

- I now pronounce you man and wife.

Caught napping at work, school, or church...try this one.

Guaranteed to work!

Just pick your head up real fast and say:

- ...in JESUS' name...

- AMEN!

(he-he...how can they yell at you for this :)

ADDENDUM: For some reason, it won't work in a Synagogue?

What do you call an eternity?
→ Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
→ Toes Go In First

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home.

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
→ You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
→ Oh, look, Daddy....doughnut seeds!

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
→ Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
→ They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
→ It has a stamp on it.

Why can't blondes dial 911?
→ They can't find the 11 on the phone.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
→ Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer?
→ There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.

A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said:

- Oh, look at the dead bird.

The blonde looked skyward and said:

- Where? Where?

How do you drown a blonde?
→ Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
→ You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
→ Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
→ Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?
→ They drowned during spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
→ Duh! Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
→ Tell her a joke on Tuesday.

Why are blonde's boobs always square?
→ Because they forget to take the kleenex out of the box.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
→ To get to the other slide!

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try you call again later.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.