Newest jokes

Bumper stickers seen this weekend .....

- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

- I have the body of a god........ Buddha.

- This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.

- Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

- The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.

- Illiterate? Write for help.

- Honk if anything falls off.

- He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.

- This isn't my idea of a good time.

- It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

- Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.

- This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.

- I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.

- Oh, evolve!

- Gone crazy be back shortly.

- If you're not outraged you're not paying attention.

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.

The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said:

- ... But they'll steal my bike.

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it...

- In the name of the Father, The Son... Amen

The priest said:

- What about the Holy Spirit?

The boy replied:

- Its outside taking care of my bike!

Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.

- Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?

- OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?

Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.

If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.

- Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?

Rule #12
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

- Attempt to take the order-takers order. ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

- Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

- When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

- Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

- Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

- Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

- Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

- If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

Things Men Should "Never" Say After Sex:

1. "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2. "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3. "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4. "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5. "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6. (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7. (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8. "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9. "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10. "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
11. "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12. "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13. "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14. "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15. "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16. "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"
17. "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
18. "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't believe this has happened.

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:

- How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!!

- How could you???!!!

- I can't believe this has happened!

- I just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!!

- How could you???

- Well, what have you got to say???

There is nothing but silence on the phone.

She screams again:

- CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!!

She finally hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.

In a barely audible whisper he says:

- Who is this?

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said:

- Man, I wish we had something to drink!

Jim says:

- Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings...

It's Jim.

Jim says:

- Hey, how do you feel this morning?

Bud says:

- I feel great. How about you?

Jim says:

- I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?

Bud says:

- No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing.

- We ought to do this more often.

- Yeah, well, there's just one thing....

- What's that?

- Have you farted yet?

- No.....

- Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said:

- Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster.

- Maybe so - said the little boy - But then I'd lose my siren!

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips? I sure can :)

- The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

- The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.

- You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"

- You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

- The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.

- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!

- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."

- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

- You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

- You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

- You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...

- You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

- Your dog has its own home page.

- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

- Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

- You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon".

- You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.

- Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.

- Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.

- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says:

- When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

Scroll down for the answer.??????????????????

Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!?????????????????????

The product being advertised is...???????????????????

SEVEN UP!