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The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

- 10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00

- 8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00

- 5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00

- 4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$ 3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
IRS

NOTE: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

- Are there penalties for early withdrawals?

- What if one's penis is self employed?

- Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

- Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?

- Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.

The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies:

- She choked.

A man goes to the confessional and begins:

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

- What is your sin, my son? - the priest asks back.

- Well - the man starts - I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.

- When did you use this awful language? - asks the priest.

- I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

- Is that when you swore?

- No, Father - says the man.

- After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.

- Is THAT when you swore? - asks the Father again.

- Well, no - says the man.

- You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!

- Is THAT when you swore? - asks the amazed Priest.

- No, not yet - the man replies.

- As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.

- Did you swear THEN? - asks the now impatient Priest.

- No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.

The Priest sighs:

- You missed the putt, didn't you?!?

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says:

- Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!

Everyone gets all excited and chants:

- We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying:

- Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks:

- Do you have a question to ask me, young man?

Dopey looks up shyly and says:

- Well, yes.

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks:

- Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?

The Pope replies:

- Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska.

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting:

- Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues:

- Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?

To which the Pope replies:

- Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying:

- Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!

The Pope asks Dopey:

- Is there still more to your question?

To which Dopey replies:

- Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?

The startled Pope replies:

- Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling...

- Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

- Since we installed our new satellite navigation system - bragged one - we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent.

- Not bad - the second paramedic commented - But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we cut our average time by 20 percent.

- That's nothing - said the third paramedic - Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!

Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldn't agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress.

They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over:

- Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly - to which the waiteress replied:

- Bur-ger Ki-ng

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said:

- I was just being the Ring Bear!

Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts.

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

- Yes - he said. - I do. My father taught me.

- Good. What comes after three.

- Four - answers the boy.

- What comes after six?

- Seven.

- Very good - says the teacher. - Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?

- A Jack.

Two pieces of string walked into a bar and ordered a pint.

- sorry - said the barman - we don't serve pieces of string in here - and with that he threw the two pieces of string out.

Outside, one of the pieces of string ruffeled himself up, tied himself in a loop and went back into the bar.

- Are you one of those pieces of string I just threw out? - asked the barman.

- No - replied the string - I'm a frayed not!