Newest jokes

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts:

- Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender:

- Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

- A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
→ Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
→ They both involve sandy claws.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said:

- This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome.

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
→ Dis-gruntled.

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said:

- WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!

The sister said:

- Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.

The man said:

- But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.

The sister said:

- Oh, ok.

The Sister took the fish back home and said:

- Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.

Shocked, the Mother Superior said:

- Sister, you know better than that.

The nun said:

- That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.

So the Mother Superior said:

- Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said:

- Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said:

- Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!

Mother Superior said:

- But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.

Monsignor said:

- Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said:

- Wow, what a nice fish.

In reply, the sister said:

- Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.

And Mother Superior said:

- I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.

And Monsignor said:

- I cooked the Gauddam Fish.

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

- I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled:

- This is great!

- Will I meet her at a party? - he croaks.

- No, - says the psychic - in biology class.

Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:

- Zelda, you've always been by my side

- When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side

- When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side

- When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side

- When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side

- And now when I'm dying; you are at my side............

- Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said:

- That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.

- Well, we were married for 25 years!

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said:

- Stop! Don't do it!

- Why shouldn't I? - he said.

I said:

- Well, there's so much to live for!

- Like what?

- Well ... are you religious or atheist?

- Religious.

- Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?

- Christian.

- Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?

- Protestant.

- Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?

- Baptist.

- Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?

- Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!

To which I said:

- Die, heretic scum! - and pushed him off.

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

- Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.

- Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?

- Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.

- Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

- Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

- Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

- Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.

- Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?

- Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says:

- Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!

This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says:

- What are those thangs?

The driver says:

- Those are golf tees.

The redneck asks:

- What those are for?

The driver says:

- Those hold my balls when I drive.

The redneck says:

- Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with everythang!