Newest jokes

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches:

- Can I help you lad?

- Yesh, Shombody shtole me car! - the Irishman replies.

The cop asks:

- Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?

- It was at the end of this key.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks:

- Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans:

- OOH GOD... they got me girl too!

A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter:

- Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

St. Peter:

- I can't answer that question...but see God walking around over there? Ask him. - Zebra to God:

- God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

God looks at the zebra sagely and states:

- You are what you are.

Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.

- What did He say - asks S.P.

- Oh - replies the zebra:

- He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes.

- Oh, that's easy - says S.P.:

- You are white with black stripes.

- How do you know? - asks the zebra:

- Well - says S.P.:

- if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine.

- Hmmm - says the bear to the squirrel:

- Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?

- Yes it does - replies the squirrel.

- Great! - says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

- Listen - said the CEO:

- this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

- Certainly - said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

- Excellent, excellent! - said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

- I just need one copy.

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

- I demand proper manners in bed - she declared:

- just as I do at the dinner table!

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.

- Is that better? - he asked, with a hint of a smile.

- Yes - replied the girl:

- much better.

- Very good, darling - the husband whispered.

- Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

- As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes - said the genie:

- But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.

- Let's see. My first wish is... - He looked at his weather beaten bungalow:

- ...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

- Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable. - said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

- What is your final wish, Master? - asked the genie.

- I want to lose a testicle - said the man.

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted:

- What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.

The prostitute snapped back:

- What do you want to do, knit or fuck?

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

- Bartender: Hey pal, is something wrong?

- The Guy: Yeah, I'm really depressed

- Bartender: Why, what's the matter?

- The Guy: I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

- Bartender: Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?

- The Guy: I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over

- Bartender: That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

- The Guy: I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man:

- That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!

The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled:

- Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

- Don't be afraid, darling - said the man:

- Wait until I tell you about this.

- Get out of here! - cried his wife:

- And take that sex maniac with you!