Newest jokes

What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
→ The ZIP Code.

What did the raccoon say in his will?
→ "Leave it to Beaver."

Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.
→ Bambi, the White House grounds, and the new TV season.

Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
→ Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.

What do you use to fry a peter?
→ Peter Pan.

What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
→ Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.

Name two words that have no meaning.
→ Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

- Man: What's the problem officer?

- Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

- Man: No sir, I was going 65.

- Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

- Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

- Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

- Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

- Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

- Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

- Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells:

- Shut your damn mouth!

Officer turns to the woman and asks:

- Ma'am, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?

- Wife: No, only when he's drunk!

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
• Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Everybody repeat after me....:

- We are all individuals.

• Death to all fanatics!
• Guests who kill talk show hosts....
  On the last Geraldo.
• Chastity is curable, if detected early.
• Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.
• Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.
• Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

And finally....

• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you

Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar.

It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated.

However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members.

CURRENT PHRASE --- REPLACEMENT PHRASE

• NO FUCKING WAY --- I'm fairly sure that's not feasible
• YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING --- Really?
• TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK --- Have you run that by.......
• NO BASTARD TOLD ME --- I wasn't involved in that.
• I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME --- Perhaps I can stay and work on that.
• WHO FUCKING CARES --- Are you sure that's a problem?
• EAT SHIT & DIE --- You don't say.
• EAT SHIT AND DIE MOTHERFUCKER --- You don't say, sir.
• KISS MY ASS --- So, you'd like me to help you.
• HE'S A FUCKING PRICK --- He's somewhat insensitive.
• SHE'S A BALL BREAKING BITCH --- She's an agressive go getter.
• YOU HAVE NOT GOT A FUCKING CLUE --- You could use some more training.
• THIS PLACE IS FUCKED --- We're a little disorganised today.
• WHAT SORT OF FUCKWIT ARE YOU? --- You're new here, aren't you?
• FUCK OFF SHITHEAD --- Well, there you go.
• YOU'RE A FUCKING WANKER --- You're a senior member: I respect you.
• HA! SUCK EGGS --- I wasn't there that night.
• YOU'RE FUCKING PARANOID --- So, you're from Brisbane.
• YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS --- So, you're from Melbourne.
• FUCK OFF --- I'll look into it and get back to you.
• FUCK OFF, DICKHEAD --- We've got enough members thanks.
• HOW DID YOU GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT TO WORK? --- Well done!
• YOU FUCKING LOSER --- Gee, that was unfortunate.
• LIKE FUCKING HELL --- I don't believe I have the required training to accomplish that.