Newest jokes

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied:

- Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!

You Know You're Getting Older When...

- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle aged.

- You're still chasing women but can't remember why.

- A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."

- You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

- After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

- You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.

- You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

- You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.

- Your back goes out more often than you do.

- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

- The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

- You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

What would happen if we priced our "COWS" using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a "CAR"?

LIST PRICING A COW

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

- BASIC COW: $499.95

- Shipping and handling: 35.75

- Extra Stomach: 79.25

- Two Tone Exterior: 142.10

- Produce Storage Compartment: 126.50

- Heavy Duty Straw Chopper: 189.60

- Four Spigot/High Output Drain System: 149.20

- Automatic Fly Swatter: 88.50

- Genuine Cowhide Upholstery: 179.90

- Deluxe Dual Horns: 59.25

- Automatic Fertilizer Attachment: 339.40

- 4X4 Traction Drive Assembly: 884.16

- Pre-delivery Wash and Comb: 69.80

FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2,843.36
Additional Dealer Adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options): $3,143.36

A son asks his father:

- What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.

The father thought some and said:

- OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

- Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner.

- Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?

The little boy said:

- Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said.

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table:

- Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.

- Excellent, my boy - he answered

- What have you learned?

The little boy thought for a minute and said:

- I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap.

Insensitive Term - Preferred Term

ETHNICITY

PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid

- Black- African-Canadian, (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE: LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE South AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE: PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)

- Oriental- Asian-Canadian (Note: Not Considered "REAL" Minorities since they tend to do well)

- Indian- Native-Canadian (NOTE: The following terms are no PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, (Avoid these cities!)

- Chicano -Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales, AVOID! AVOID!)

- White Trash-PC Unaware, Rustically Inclined

- WASP (white male)-insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

GENDER

(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

- Woman- Womyn; Vaginal-Canadian

- Girl-Pre-Womyn

- Housewife-Domestic Engineer

- Fireman-Firefighter

- Stewardess-Flight Attendant

- Meter Maid-Parking Enforcement Adjudicator

- Post Man-Post Person Mail Man Person Person

- Policeman-Law Enforcement Officer; Baton Boy Cal. Clubber

- Prostitute-Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)

- Mankind/Human-Earth Children

- Handicapped-Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-Capable

- Blind-Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive

- Deaf-Visually Oriented

- Poor-Economically Unprepared

- Bum-Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner

- Hunter-Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher

- Whaler-Blubber Lovers

- Old Person /Elderly-4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced

- Conservative-Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig

- Drug Addict-Chemically Challenged

- Bald-Comb-Free

- Bisexual-Sexually Non-preferential

- Midget, Dwarf-Little People, Vertically Challenged

- Convict-Socially Separated

- Insane People-Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers

- Learning Disability-Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

- Tree-Hugger-Environmental Activist

- Logger-Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Treeslayer

- Dead People-Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Challenged

- Broken Home-Dysfunctional Family

- HouseBroken-Family Dysfunction

- Cattle Ranch-Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz"

- Senile Bag o'Bones-Alzheimer's Victim

- Ghetto/Barrio-(EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area

- Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana

- Hamburger-Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)

- Cheeseburger-Adding Insult to Injury

- Cheating (in School)-Academic Dishonesty

- Used Books-Recycled Books

- Trees-Oxygen Exchange Units

- Gang-Youth Group

- Slum-(EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone

- Obese- People of Mass Gravitationally Challenged

- Delicatessen- Corpse Farm Charnel House

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90's

OLD -- NEW

- conservative -- reactionary

- the establishment -- white power elite

- hearing person -- temporarily aurally abled

- sighted person -- temporarily visually abled

- blind -- visually challenged

- mute -- vocally challenged

- deaf -- aurally challenged

- dead -- metabolically different

- alive -- temporarily metabolically abled

- ugly -- aesthetically challenged

- fat -- gravitationally challenged

- heavy-set -- people of mass

- rude -- politically correct

- psychopath -- socially misaligned

- crooked -- ethically challenged

- klutzy -- kinesthetically challenged

- bald -- follicularly challenged

- short -- differently statured

- non-white, non-male oppressed -- white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive

- white male -- oppressor

- black -- african-american

- asian -- asian-american

- afro-american -- african-american

- minority group -- numerically challenged group; under-represented population

- black -- person of color

- Chicano -- person of color

- weird green freak -- person of color

- female -- person of gender

- drooling drunk idiot -- person on floor

- group of blacks -- Under-Represented population of persons of color

- Group of Whites -- L.A.P.D.

- woman -- womyn

- women -- wymin

- girl -- pre-womyn

- man -- oppressor

- boy -- oppressor-to-be

- pregnancy -- parasitic oppression

- janitor -- sanitation engineer

- disabled car -- mechanically challenged car

- dish washer -- utensil sanitizer

- dairy -- where cows are raped

- ranch -- where cattle are murdered

- egg ranch -- where hens are raped

- biology department -- where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialist drug companies

- fishing -- raping the oceans

- farming -- exploiting mother earth

- nhl hockey -- uniformed fascists vying for superiority

- paper bag -- processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).

old 80's/90's

- deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged

- blind /sight impaired/visually challenged

- retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged

- queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)

- fat/big boned/alternative body image

Definitions of A Diplomat:

- Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.

- Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.

- Can always make himself misunderstood.

- Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.

- Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.

- Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.

- Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.

- Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.

- Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.

- Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.

- Can make nothing sound like something.

- Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

- Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.

- Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.

- Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.

- Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.

- Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.

- Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.

- Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.

- Knows how far to go before he goes too far.

- Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.

- Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.

- Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.

- Straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.

- Will approach every question with an open mouth.

- Will lay down your life for his country.

- Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her panties?
→ Self-employed!

What's the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??

Libertarians are anarchists with money.

Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.

Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.

Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.

Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.

Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.

Libertarians go to the police after they've been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.

A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.

Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.

Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.

Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren't organized in anything.

Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose.

Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don't care what libertarians think.

A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out:

- ... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th..

She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed:

- Good God all mighty

- That's right, that's right - the minister said and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to:

- ... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins...

the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted:

- Jesus Christ

- that's right, That's Right - the Minister said and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to:

- ... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child

the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said:

- If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off!