A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said:
- Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?
The priest laughed:
- Because, my son, I am a Father!
The Polak scratched his head:
- But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!
Again the priest laughed:
- But I am a Father of thousands!
To which the Polak replied:
- Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!
A Polak went to a carpenter and said:
- Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?
- Hmm... - mused the carpenter.
- It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?
- Well, you see - said the Polak.
- my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose.
Did you hear about the latest Polish invention?
It's a solar-powered flashlight.
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.
A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
- What the %$*& is so funny? - asked one of the scientist.
- You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!
A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready.
The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak.
The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute:
- So you wanna race, eh?
An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine.
The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies:
- I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live.
They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go.
Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies:
- In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy.
They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.
Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words.
He says:
- Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said:
- I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away.
The Englishman says:
- I'll have five years' supply of beer!
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.
The Frenchman says:
- I'll have five years' supply of brandy!
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.
The Polak says:
- I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.
Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk.
Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says:
- Has anyone got a light?
A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
- Excuse me, but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want? - he says, taking the guy aside.
- Maybe I can help a leetle beet, - says the Frenchman. - What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way.
- Wow! Thanks! - says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman:
- I'm sorry to bother you again, - he says, - but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl.
- Okay, - says the Frenchman. - I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way.
- Thanks! - says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
- Look, - he says, - I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?
- Well, - says the Frenchman, - maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?
A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people:
- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?
All the Poles reply:
- Meat? What is meat?
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets:
- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?
All the Soviets reply:
- Think? What is think?
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans:
- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?
All the Americans reply:
- Lack? What is lack?
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis:
- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?
To which all the Israelis reply:
- Excuse me? What is excuse me?
One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground.
Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly.
When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workman's hand and ernestly says:
- Sir, we will share this just like Russian - Polish comrades should
and the Polish guy says:
- Oh no, 50 - 50!
