Newest jokes

Man says to God:

- God, why did you make woman so beautiful? - God says:

- So you would love her.

- But God, - the man says - why did you make her so dumb?

- So she would love you. - God replies.

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...

- I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.

- You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?

- Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said:

- Thanks.

- Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.

- Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.

- Jim: What happened to your first three wives?

- Joe: They all died, Jim.

- Jim: How did that happen?

- Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

- Jim: How terrible! And your second?

- Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.

- Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

- Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

- Jim: I see, an accident.

- Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone: My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole!

My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.

I told him:

- Just give them your underwear.

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

- Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

- Sister: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

- Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket!

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names.

As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations (X = occupied, . = empty):
X......
X.....
X X..
X..
X X.X.X.X
XXX.
X.X
XXX
XXXXXXX
These are only acceptable when significant "privacy" dividers are available. If the urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules

15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
    a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
    b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
    c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.
b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker.
c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"
d. Don't look. Real men never compare sizes.
e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.

- Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.

- Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.

- Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and flushes the one on the right.

- Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.

- Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.

- Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.

- Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition.

- Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.

- Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out of his pants. Gets pubic hair caught up in his zipper.

- Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirttail.

- Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great flourish.

- Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how many bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating around in the water. Has never really grown up.

- Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or garbage can.

- Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.

- Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guy's organ.

- Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with his free hand.

- Playful: Spots a friend's shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim accordingly.

- Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and pisses on shoes.

- Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands as he leaves with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as he is sitting down.

- Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the man next to him will be blamed.

- Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

- Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes the urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left the restroom.

- Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.

- Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick inspection.

- Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

- Hubby: It's not my fault... I ran out of money!