Newest jokes

After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks:

- How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!

- And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

- And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you and comforted you? Me!

- And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

- How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me.

Jimmy replies:

- That's just the problem, Katherine! You're just fucking bad luck!

One of the reasons that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is that those men who promised that they'd die for their woman just don't come through.

How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Let the bitch do it by herself. or None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.

A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was arguing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving...

- Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does.

- Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.

- Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so.

- Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?

- Fem: Yeah, so?

- Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ Nobody knows. It has never happened.

How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
→ They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
→ Because they don't have feelings.

How do you get a man to leave when you want?
→ Ask him about his feelings.

What's the easiest way for a wife to cause hearing loss in her husband?
→ Say she wants to talk to him.

James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question.

- Not at all, go right ahead - she replied.

- Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?

- I just can't tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much.

- I'll be fine. Now that we're divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can't hurt me too much.

- Well, if it's that important to you...

- Jimmy is your child.