Newest jokes

Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?

A man was complaining to a friend:

- I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!

- What happened? - asked the friend.

- My wife found out...

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says:

- that's ok.

The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says:

- that's okay.

The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!

- Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?

- Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says:

- My cock is longer than that cat's tail.

A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.

But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says:

- Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?

- From the asshole. - says the bartender.

- Well, kindly do me the same favor.

There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:

- Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.

- Never trust a fart.

- Never take a hard-on for granted.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.

A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:

Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolances
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.

Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together...
Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!

Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!

Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner...
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.

Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news...
Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.

Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love...
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!

Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife... I know we've had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!

Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!

A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?