Newest jokes

- He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

- She: Well, you succeeded!

They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true.

They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her:

- Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

- Yes - she replied in a loud voice:

- I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic.

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.

When He Says - He Really Means

• Do you have the time? - to go to bed
• Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
• How are you? - in bed, I mean.
• I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.
• I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.
• I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.
• I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.
• I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.
• I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.
• I'm in television. - I fix them.
• I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.
• I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.
• I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.
• I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.
• I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.
• I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.
• I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.
• I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
• I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
• I play the market. - Safeway
• I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.
• I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.
• Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.
• My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.
• My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.
• My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.

When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.

It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
→ A real man doesn't care.

Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto.

As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked:

- Did you miss me?

I replied quite innocently:

- It's been so hard without you.

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids...