Newest jokes

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

- Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.

The doctor reassured her.

- A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?

- On my balls!

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.

Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was another way that would cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

- Simple... I tied your pubic hairs together!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
→ Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told!

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say:

- I could really go for an ice cream cone.

Hubby replies:

- Well, I'll go get you one.

Wife says:

- But, you'll forget, you better write it down.

Hubby replies:

- No I won't; what do you want?

Wife says:

- Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.

Hubby replies:

- Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him:

- What took you so long, did you get lost?

The hubby replies:

- No, and I got what you wanted.

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife says:

- I knew you you should have written the order down.

Hubby says:

- What do you mean - every thing is there?

To which the wife replies:

- No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles!

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks:

- Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?

Ed replies:

- Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbor says:

- You mean a rose?

Ed replies:

- Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

A woman goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.

- Well, what is it? - he asks.

- It's a bit embarrassing - she replies.

- These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks:

- Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?

The woman blushes and says:

- Well, actually I have.

- That's the problem - the doctor says.

- Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!

A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office.

- You've been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr. Ivanov for the last six months. Haven't you noticed that Mr. Ivanov has passed away?

- Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery.

Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said:

- I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said:

- I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.

The third nurse said:

- Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.

The fourth nurse fainted.

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say:

- Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?

The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says:

- Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars.

They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.

On the fifth visit the doctor says:

- Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly.

The boy explains:

- The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid.

One Polish surgeon asks another:

- How did the operation go?

- The operation was a success, but the patient died!