Newest jokes

There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news.

- Ohhhh no!!! - the patient wailed.

- I'll never be able to experience an erection again!

- Of course you'll still be able to experience erections - replied one surgeon.

- only it will have to be someone else's!

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

- Excuse me - he said.

- have you lost something?

- No - replied one of the doctors.

- We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.

The Polish Medical Dictionary:

• Anti-Body - against everyone
• Artery - study of paintings
• Bandages - The Rolling Stones
• Bacteria - what to do when treatment fails
• Botulism - tendency to make mistakes
• Bowel - letters lik A E I O or U
• Caesarean Section - a district in Rome
• Cardiology - advanced study of poker playing
• Cat Scan - searching for ones lost kitty
• Cauterize - made eye contact with her
• Colic - sheep dog
• Coma - punctuation mark
• Congenital - friendly
• Cortisone - the local courthouse
• D & C - where Washington is
• Dilate - to live long
• Enema - not a friend
• Enteritis - a penchant for burglary
• ER - the things on your head that you hear with
• Fester - quicker
• Fibrillate - to tell lies
• Genes - blue denim slacks
• Genital - non-Jewish
• Hangnail - coat hook
• Hemorrhoid - a male From outer space
• Herpes - what women do in the Ladies Room
• Hormones - what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid
• ICU - peek-a-boo
• Impotent - distinguished, well known
• Inpatient - tired of waiting
• Labor Pain - hurt at work
• Medical Staff - a doctor's cane
• Minor Operation - coal digging
• Morbid - a higher bid
• Nitrate - cheaper than the Day Rate
• Node - was aware of
• Organ transplant - what you do to your piana when you move
• Organic - organ repairman
• Outpatient - a person who has fainted
• Paralyze - two far-fetched stories
• Pathological - a reasonable way to go
• Pharmacist - person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
• Plaster cast - the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert
• Post-Operative - a letter carrier
• Protein - in favor of young people
• Recovery Room - place to upholster furniture
• Rectum - what happened to the Corvette
• Red blood count - Dracula
• Rheumatic - amorous
• Saline - where you go on your boyfriend's boat
• Secretion - hiding something
• Surgery - a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply
• Sterile solution - not using the elevator during a fire
• Tablet - a small table
• Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
• Tibia - country in North Africa
• Triple bypass - better than a quarterback sneak
• Tumor - an extra pair
• Urine - opposite of "You're Out"
• Varicose - nearby
• Vein - conceited

A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Nowadays there's little meaning
For a person to be gleaning
When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name
He may be a chiropractor
Or a painless tooth extractor
He's entitled to the title just the same.

Or perhaps he is a preacher
Or a lecturer or teacher,
Or an expert who cures chickens of the pip;
He may keep a home for rummies,
Or massage fat people's tummies,
Or specialize in ailments of the hip.

Everybody is a "doctor,"
From the backwoods herb concocter
To the man who takes bunions from your toes;
From the frowning dietician
To the snappy electrician
Who shocks you loose from all the body's woes.

So there's very little meaning
For a sufferer to be gleaning
When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name.
He may pound you, he may starve you,
He may cut your hair or carve you,
You have got to call him Doctor all the same!

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

- Doctor - she said.

- I have a very bad gas problem.

- A gas problem? - replied the doctor.

- Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.

- Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

- Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!

- Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?

- Well - said the doctor.

- I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!

A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball.

- Here's your baby, maam - says the doctor.

The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window.

Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers:

- My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!

The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says:

- April Fools!!! He was already dead!

The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said:

- Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing.

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

- Och! - said the doctor.

- Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by... I think there's yet another wee bairn to come.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

- Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad... It seems there's yet another one besides! - cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:

- Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?

What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?
→ Mentally deficient.

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor?
→ He signs "his" name under "cause of death!"