Newest jokes

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?
→ He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

- Boss - he said.

- The pill actually worked!

- That's all fine - said the boss.

- But where were you yesterday?

You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

- You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.

- You can jump-start your car without cables.

- Cocaine is a downer.

- All your kids are named "Joe".

- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

- You don't sweat, you percolate.

- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

- Instant coffee takes too long.

- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

- You don't tan, you roast.

- You can't even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said:

- Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?

The lady replied:

- My phone doesn't have an eleven!

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

- Doctor - she asks nervously.

- can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?

- Certainly - replies the doctor.

- Where do you think lawyers come from!

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says:

- Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says:

- Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!

He replies:

- Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.

However, the doctor suggested:

- If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder.

The old man agreed.

The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.

The old man says:

- Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant.

- That's good news - said the doctor.

- I knew the boarder would help.

- Oh - said the old man with a wicked grin.

- and the boarder's pregnant as well.

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests.

- Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test - the doctor said.

The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked:

- Are you alright?

- No - the old man said.

- This just isn't going to work - he dejectedly explained.

- There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink.

- But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!

I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really wanted to be a doctor, but just couldn't stand the sight of money.

- Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?

- Doctor: Yes... You're fucking crackers!