Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.
Staring at him in disbelief she asks:
- What the HELL...?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!
He says:
- Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive.....?
A man is walking along the road, when he hears someone shouting "Twelve! Twelve!" over a fence.
As he walks closer to the fence, they start shouting:
- Thirteen! Thirteen!
Curious, the man looks through a gap in the fence. Suddenly he's poked in the eye by a man on the other side, and as he lies there, clutching his head, the man hears:
- Fourteen! Fourteen!
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
- All this was just too wonderful for words - he said:
- but what's the dollar for?
- Well - she said:
- last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
- I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea!
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy:
- Did you hear that Fluffy died?.
The guy stumbles around and says:
- Um.. er.. no.. what happened?.
The neighbor replies:
- We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!
Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.
A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says:
- You get one wish between the two of you--make it a good one.
The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy.
- Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!
He looks at the genie and says:
- We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!
The genie nods and says:
- You got it, boys!
And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!
The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out:
- You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?
- Whadaya talking about? - the other fisherman answers.
- I thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?
- I do like it...but the problem is...now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that:
- Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since: Knowledge = Power
And: Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving this equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man:
- Aren't they cute, what are their names?
The man giving the lady an angry look replied:
- I don't know.
The lady asked again:
- Which is a boy and which is a girl?.
The man looking angrier than before replied:
- I don't know.
The woman then started to scold the man:
- What kind of a father are you?.
The man replied:
- I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company.
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.
- I say she's highly over-rated - said one:
- Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?
- My wife - said the other with a heavy sigh!
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
- Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?
Father Patrick replied:
- I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.
Muldoon said:
- I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?
Father Patrick:
- $500? - Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!
