Newest jokes

I absolutely hate sex on the television.....

I keep falling off!

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks:

- And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Johnson replies:

- I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door.

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her:

- Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...

Mrs. Johnson yells:

- Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were.

The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.

- Hell - says the man:

- You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, "Aaaaaahhh!!!"

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

- You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

- How did you do over the weekend?

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

- 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?

- I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

- That's admirable - said the judge.

- And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

- 156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!

- Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your ass hole before prison.....

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

- My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies:

- Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy.

- Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies:

- Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.

Last is little Billy.

- My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies:

- Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!

Top Ten Signs You're Becoming a Teenager

10. Like is, like, the most commonly used word in your vocabulary.
11. "Metal Mouth" and "Tinsel Teeth" have replaced your real name.
12. You fight with your hair every morning . . . and you lose!
13. Your parents have never heard of your favorite rock group.
14. Even your zits have zits!
15. It's not safe to say the word "mall" around you.
16. Let's just say . . . sometimes you don't smell too good.
17. You've gone from "A". . . to "B" . . . to "C" . . . cup!
18. If you have to speak in front of your class, you care more about what you're wearing than what you're going to say.
19. If someone at your house is PMSing, it's not always your mom!

• The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
• The Clean poo - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.
• The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
• The Wet Cheeks Poo- That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
• The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.
• The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
• The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
• The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.
• The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.
• The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
• The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.
• The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.
• The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions.

- Every time we make love - she said:

- I get splinters!

So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.

- Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need - was the carpenter's response.

A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again:

- How are you getting on with the girls now?

- Who needs girls? - replied Pinnochio!

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

- Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

- He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.

- This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

- Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!

- Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

- When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

- Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back.

- Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

- Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

- After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel...

- I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway.

- He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

- I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

- This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.