Newest jokes

There's this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he want's to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.

So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.

The barnabs say's:

- First you drink this liter of whisky, then you've got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her.

The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.

He comes back a week later beaten to shit.

- What happened to you? - said the barman.

- I'm nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman!

What's the longest word?
→ Smiles!

Why?
→ Because it has a mile in it!

Your momma so stupid, when I told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon!

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said:

- I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up.

Adam got very excited:

- Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there.

So Eve smiled & said:

- Okay, it sounds like he really wants that.

As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity:

- What was the other gift?

- Oh - God said, looking:

- Multiple orgasms.

There was a blonde driving a ferrari. A cop pulls her over for speeding, the cop asks:

- can I see your license and registration please!

The blonde responds:

- license and registration what is that?

The cop respnds:

- you will find your license in your purse and registration in your glove compartment.

The cop gets the license and registration and goes back to the car, and he calls dispatcher and reports it. The dispatcher replies:

- this wouldnt be a blonde in a ferrari would it?

The cop replies:

- yes it is.

The dispatcher says:

- go back to her car and drop your pants.

The cop responds back:

- I cant do that!

The dispatcher says:

- trust me, just do it!

then the cop replies:

- ok whatever you say!

So he walks back to her car, and drops his pants. The blonde turns around and says:

- oh no, not another breathalizer test!

A wealthy young Wall Street stockbroker was admiring his physique nude before the mirror one day. The picture was perfectly toned and buffed except for the lack of a tan. So, he flew to California for the weekend to get a tan.

Back in his luxurious New York condo, he stripped bare to get another look at his own great beauty. He was shocked to see that he had a little white triangle in a strategic location. Well, that just wouldn't do!

The next weekend, he flew back to his favorite beach in California. He found a secluded, quiet spot and stripped off his attire and laid down on the sand. Then he proceeded to cover up all his body with the sand, except for the part that was a tiny white triangle. He soon relaxed and fell asleep.

While he napped, two elderly ladies came slowly along the water's edge, clinging to each other and their canes for support. When they saw the strange thing planted in the sand, one lady turned to the other and said:

- Eloise, when I was 20, I was scared of it.

- When I was 40, I couldn't get enough of it.

- When I was 60, I had to pay for it.

- And now that I'm 80, I find it growing wild!

A young English woman, Polly Martin, met and fell in love with a Yank during WWII. He was a reporter and battlefield artist attached to the military. His name was Wally Woodword and whenever there was any battlefield action Wally would make quick sketches on the front lines which he would later turn into proper drawings from which he wrote his reports.

Now, Polly and her friend Susan worked for the Ministry of Defense as did many young English women and the department they worked in was one that allowed them to know a lot of interesting information - including the exact date of the Normandy Invasion.

The day before the invasion Polly was telling Susan that she planned to spirit her reporter boyfriend away next day and take him on a picnic out in the country.

- But, you can't do that - Susan replied.

- Why not? - her friend asked.

- Polly, Wally doodles all D-Day!

Little miss muffet... sat on her tuffet... eating her kurds and way.

Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said:

- hey, whatsin the bowl bitch?!

What did the black baby say to its mother when it had diarrhea?
→ "Mommy, I'm melting!!!"

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?