Newest jokes

A drunk stumbles into a confessional.

The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall.

The drunk says:

- Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said:

- Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?

The other old lady said:

- It's a condom.

- A condom? Where do you get those?

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her:

- What size do you want?

- One that would fit a Camel.

What is the difference between the Titantic and Bill Clinton?
→ They know how many people went down on the Titantic!!

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.

She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.

- No - the son replies.

- I don't wanna go to school!

- You HAVE to go to school - the mother scolds.

- No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky.

- You WILL go to school, young man - the mother warns.

- Why? Why do I have to go to school today? - the son asks.

The mother is about to lose her patience.

- Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!

President Clinton was seen walking around the White House one day recently. Laying across one shoulder was a pair of ladies nylon panties.

Nervously one White House Aide approach the President and asked about the panties.

- Oh those - Replied the President.

- I'm trying to quit. That's the patch.

How do you make a Kleenex dance?
→ Put a little boogie in it.

There is a drunk driver. He goes and hits a car with a woman driving it. Whos fault is it?
→ The Woman's, she should of never left the kitchen!

I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and turned the volume all the way up....the mime next door went nuts!

I had skylights installed at my place the other day...the people that live upstairs are really mad!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Ida

- Ida who?

- Ida know.