Newest jokes

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on:

- I finished the exam in half and hour. But - she says - I am rechecking my answers!

So, this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "have you seen my brother?"... and the barman says "I don't know, what does he look like?" (ba-dum-tish)

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said:

- No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayerbooks and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said:

- No charge. I consider it a service to the community.

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said:

- No charge. I consider it a service to the country.

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said:

- The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.

The second shook his head and said:

- Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said:

- No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain:

- A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other

- WAIT ! - interrupted the others.

- If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?

The reply was simply:

- He don't, that's what makes him so mean.

What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?
→ Meals on Wheels!

Anna's mother has 3 kids... the youngest daughter's name is Penny... the middle daughter's name is Nickel....... What is the oldest daughter's name?

You think you know it???

Aww.. a smart one you are! You were probably thinking her name was Dime.... but if you were really smart you would know that the oldest daughters name is Anna!!!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, somebody already told her twice!!!!

Did you hear about the new computer virus?

It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".

Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

One night, at a party, The host asked his guests:

- How many here believe in ghosts?

Everyone put up their hand.

- How many have seen ghosts?

A lot of people put up their hand.

- How many have touched a ghost?

Five people put up their hands.

- How many have had sex with a ghost?

One person put up their hand.

- Well then - said the host.

- why don't you come up here and tell us all about it.

The man walked up.

- So, how was your night with the ghost? - asked the host.

- Ghost? - Said the man.

- Sorry, I thought you said goat.