A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
- Listen to this - he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.
- Yeah - his wife nodded, and it has your weight wrong, too!
Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?
→ She was trying to blow the horn!
How does the brain communicate with the nerves?
→ With a Cell phone!
Clinton and Gore went to a diner to get a bite to eat.
A good looking waitress comes up and asks:
- Can I take your order?
Clinton says:
- Yes, I like a quickie!
She turns a little red and say:
- Sir, in your present state of affairs I don't think you should even be suggesting something like that. I will come back when you are ready to order from the MENU!
As she walks away Gore leans over and says:
- Bill, its pronounced quiche.
I took one of those viagra tablets the other day, it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for about eight hours!
January 1, 2000
Dear (enter employee name here)
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and:
- sir do you have a extra $20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000.00. I have $980.00 and just need the last $20.00
Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.
Well the man replied:
- No sir... I have money for gambling.
There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.
After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man:
- What are you staring at?
- Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.
- Man: Haven't we met before?
- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
- Man: Is this seat empty?
- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
- Man: Your place or mine?
- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
- Woman: It's in the phone book.
- Man: But I don't know your name.
- Woman: That's in the phone book too.
- Man: So what do you do for a living?
- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
- Woman: Do not Enter
- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
- Woman: Unfertilized !
- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
- Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
- Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?
- Man: I know how to please a woman.
- Woman: Then why aren't you leaving me alone?
- Man: I want to give myself to you.
- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
- Man: Your body is like a temple.
- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
- Man: I'd go through anything for you.
- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
- Man: Haven't we met before?
- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
- Man: Is this seat empty?
- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
- Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
- Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
- Man: Your place or mine?
- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
- Woman: It's in the phone book.
- Man: But I don't know your name.
- Woman: That's in the phone book too.
- Man: So what do you do for a living?
- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
- Man: What sign were you born under?
- Woman: No Parking.
- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
- Woman: Do not Enter
- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
- Woman: Unfertilized !
- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason
- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
- Man: I know how to please a woman.
- Woman: Then please leave me alone.
- Man: I want to give myself to you.
- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
- Man: Your body is like a temple.
- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
- Man: I'd go through anything for you.
- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
