Newest jokes

The president was trying to keep his presidential promise by putting more women on his staff.

If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what does that mean?
→ Her chain is to long!

BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKS

- Dad's New Wife Timothy

- Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games

- How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School

- Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag

- Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets

- Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty

- The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes

- Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures

- The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad

- The Tickling Babysitter

- Babar Meets the Taxidermist

- Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

- The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

- Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse

- The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy

- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

- Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On

- The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

- How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear

- When is Later?

- The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor

- Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed

- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky

- Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep

- How Far is Not Far?

- Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story

- The Boy Who Cried "Fire!"

- Things Rat Poison Looks Like

- Why Uncle Bud Falls Down

- Two Fingers in the Dike

- Back To School! A Munitions Primer

- Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice

- Things That Are Really Sharp

- How Dopey Got His Name

- Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her.

- Don't let me spoil a good time for you, - she said.

After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself:

- I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.

She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked:

- Well, how was the party?

He replied:

- It was no fun without you honey.

She said:

- I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!

He replied:

- Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!

What did 1 strawberry say to another?
→ If you weren't so fresh you wouldn't be in this jam!

Your momma's so stupid, she looked over a glass wall!

Whats a lesbian dinosaur?
→ A lickalotofpuss !

Whats a gay dinosaur?
→ A lickdicknopuss !

And then there was the boxing referee who used to work for NASA; everytime a fighter would go down, he'd start counting "10, 9, 8...."

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

- Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.

- You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.

- Is there anything which your holiness desires?

- Well, yes, I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. - the Pope replied.

Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time.

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over:

- There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said:

- I do... Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said:

- Sure, Kemosabe

and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks:

- Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims:

- I do, what's wrong with him this time?

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says:

- Nothin', but did you know you left your injun running?