Newest jokes

How many mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 2, the trick is getting them IN there.

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.

After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.

- Your husband is very sick - the doctor said. Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.

- First, fix him three healthy meals a day.

- Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about anything.

- Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.

The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband's room.

- What did the doctor say? - he asked.

- I'm sorry, m'dear - she said, but he said you're not going to make it.

A man goes into the optician and asks for his eyes to be tested because he suspected short sightedness. The optician took the man outside and pointed to the sky saying:

- What's that up there?.

The man replied:

- why.. that's the sun...!.

On that the optician said:

- How far do you want to see sir!

Great truths about life:

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks:

- What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says:

- Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying:

- What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:

- Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states:

- It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?

The drunk replies:

- Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!

What does a blonde do after waking up?
→ Go Home.
→ Introduce herself to the guy on the bed.

What was the pirate movie rated?
→ ARRRRRRR

What do you call a mother cow that lost her calf?
→ "Decafinated"

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries:

- I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!

- Very well, then - says God, let us see how Jesus fared.

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters:

- But how?! How did he do that?!

God chuckles:

- Jesus Saves!

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
→ "We'd better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts!!"