Newest jokes

Did you hear?

The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.

Did you know that the inventor of sprinklers was racist?

Yeah, listen to one next time you get a chance, It goes - spic....spic....spic....nigga...nigga...nigga...nigga.........chink!

Late one night a car was swerving all over the road. A police officer pulled them over and went up to the vehicle. He then noticed it was the local preacher, Father McBrian. The officer then asked him why he was swerving all over the road. He said he wasn't.

The officer immediately asked him:

- Father, have you been drinking?

- No... - replied Father.

- Is that liquor in your bottle there Father? - suggested the officer.

- No it's just water - answered Father.

The officer took it and smelled it. He then said:

- Father this is wine.

Father then burst:

- Praise the Lord, He's Done It Again!

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.

A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.

The blonde was very upset as she screamed:

- This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!

So I said:

- Hey man, that's my beer.

Then he says:

- No man, that's my beer.

Then the beers say:

- No man, we're our own beers.

That's when we realized we had too many beers.

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
23. You read rather than scanned this list.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

- I'm afraid I don't have a husband - she replies.

- O.K. do you have a boyfriend? - asks the Midwife.

- No, no boyfriend either.

- Do you have a partner then?

- No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman:

- You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black

- Well - replies the girl.

- I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.

- Oh, I'm very sorry - says the midwife.

- That's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.

- Well yes - the girl again replies.

- you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?

- Oh, I'm sorry - the midwife repeats.

- that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.

- Well yes - continues the girl.

- I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims:

- Thank God for that!

- What do you mean? - says the midwife, shocked.

- WHEW! - says the girl extremely relieved...

- I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!

A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl:

- Nothing but the best for my little kitten.

The girl at the cash register said:

- I'm sorry, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat & brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store & bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated, she went home, came back & brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:

- No - you might have a snake in there.

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So, the cashier put her finger into the box & pulled it out & told the little old lady:

- That smells like crap.

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear:

- Now, my dear, can I please buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk:

- I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?

- About 35 - was the reply.

- I'm actually 47 - the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was:

- Oh you look about 29?

- I am actually 47.

That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied:

- I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said:

- Ok, You are 47.

Stunned the woman said:

- That was brilliant! How did you do that?

The old man replied:

- I was behind you in line at McDonalds!

This 55-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says:

- You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?

She says:

- I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says:

- Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?

She says:

- Your name never came up!