Newest jokes

How did the dairy queen get pregnant?
→ The burger king showed her his whopper!!!

You Might Be A Redneck...

- If your dad walks u to school 'cause you're in the same grade!

- If u mow the grass and find the car!

- If someone comes to your house everyday thinking you're having a garage sale!

- If u sell the car 4 gas money!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

- Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.

- Well, what's the difference between the two? - Bill asks.

God says:

- I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

- Fine, but where should I go first?

- I'll leave that up to you.

- Okay, then, - says Bill.

- Let me try Hell first.

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased.

- This is great! - he tells God.

- If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!

- Fine, - says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides:

- Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell, - he tells God.

- Fine, - replies God.

- As you desire.

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

- How's everything going? - he asks Bill.

Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment:

- This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?

- Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER.

Why do blondes where underwear?
→ To keep their ankles warm.

Have u ever saw Stevie Wonders wife?
→ No
→ Neither has he.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
→ Frost-bite!

The perfect man, the perfect woman, and Santa Claus are in a car driving down the road and there is a fatal accident. There in only one survivor. Who is it?
→ The perfect woman - Santa Claus is made up and there's no such thing as the perfect man!

Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the coversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally culminating in each one discussing their respective fetus' and the manner of conception.

The first brunette says:

- I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top.

The second brunette says:

- I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom.

The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out:

- Oh my god, I'm going to have a puppy.

There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.

He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.

He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesn't move an inch. So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

A nude jogger was running past two old women.

One had a stroke, the other missed!