Newest jokes

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said:

- Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said:

- I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say:

- Come on in.

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said:

- Are you the people that broke the window?

- Uh yeah. Sorry about that - the husband replied.

- No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.

- OK great! - the husband said.

- I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.

- No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want? - the genie said, looking at the wife.

- I want a house in every country of the world - she said.

- Consider it done. - the genie replied.

- And what's your wish genie? - the husband said.

- Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said:

- Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright.

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said:

- How old is your husband, anyway?

- 35. - she replied.

- And he still believes in genies??? That's amazing!

What is the ultimate rejection?
→ When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
11. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
13. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
14. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
15. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
16. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
18. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

In response... The male perspective on the same issue ...

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
11. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
13. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
14. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
15. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
16. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
18. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinoccio's nose?
→ Tell a lie.

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

- Blimey - Ed said.

- I've never seen one like that before!

- Like what? - Ted said.

- All twisted like a pigs tail - Ed said.

- Well what's yours like? - Ted said.

- Well straight like normal - Ed said.

- I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours - Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.

- What did you do that for? - Ted said.

- Shaking off the excess drops - Ed said.

- Like normal.

- Shit - Ted said.

- And all these years I've been wringing it!

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife:

- Where's the rake?

She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says:

- What?!

She says:

- I left tit behind the bush.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

- Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' - asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded:

- Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...

- I didn't ask for any details - the lawyer interrupted, just answer the question.

- Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'

Farmer Joe said:

- Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as driving down the road...

The lawyer interrupted again and said:

- Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer:

- I'd like to hear what he has to say.

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded:

- Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

- I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

- Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said:

- Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

Did you hear about the redneck who was shootin craps?
→ He blew a hole in the toilet.

What does a nymphomaniac say after she's had sex?
→ Do all you guys play for the same team?