Newest jokes

A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully:

- You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying...

She squeezed his hands as he continued:

- When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply....

He continued:

- Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.

- Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me...

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband:

- And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...

- There's something I'd really like to say to you...

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said:

- You're a friggin jinx!

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best.
33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59. "This won't hurt, I promise,"

- Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny's test again?

- Jeff: Yes, but how did you know?

- Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down "I don't know". And you put down "Me neither".

Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?
→ Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumber jacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.

As instructed by the foreman they were to yell 'TIMBER!' whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled 'Timber' and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.

The tree fell on the cab killing poor 'ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married. Well Sven and Ole didn't know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDah's now widow.

Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didn't know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell.....

Sven rang the doorbell.

A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. He's at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is:

- GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ....!

Yo mama's so fat, when she went to school, she sat next to everybody!

Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she REALLY sits around the house.

Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a "Malcom X" shirt, helicopters land on her!

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says:

- Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says:

- Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping.

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks:

- what the *@#% was that? The wife explains:

- oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping.

The husband cries out:

- Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said:

- Forgive me Father for I have sinned.....

- What have you done Tommy O'Connor? - said the Priest.

- I had sex with a girl.

- Who was it Tommy?

- I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin.

- Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?

- No Father, please forgive me for my sin.

- Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?

- No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me.

- Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?

- No Father, I cannot tell you who it was.

- Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven.

So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting...

- What did you get? - asked Joseph.

- Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

- No laundry - the boy said.

- I'm going to wash my dog.

- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

- Oh, he died - the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added:

- I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.

The boy replied:

- I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.

- Oh, What was it then?

- I think it was the spin cycle!

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely! You can't be in charge!

So the rectum closed up... After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.... just an asshole!