Newest jokes

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.

Johnny goes to his mother and demands:

- Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!

To this his mother replies:

- Yea, right, ... Santa's not comming to THIS house you little brat, you've stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you'll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal.

Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I'll wash Mom's dishes for all year... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:

Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas...

A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.

I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather:

- I believe it's snowing.

- No, it looks too wet to be snow - he said.

The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow...

Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said:

- Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!

Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.

He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling:

- WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!

But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said:

- A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!

Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid:

10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
11. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
12. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
13. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
14. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed
15. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list
16. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee
17. First words when kid gets on his lap are:

- Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
3. Four words:

- Off my lap, Tubby!

The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman:

- We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal.

The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.

The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table:

- Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her.

The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face:

- I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!

The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.

They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else.

- I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy - he replies.

The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table:

- Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife - FBI agent says, calmly.

The man than replies:

- I can't do that, although we have our problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three kids...she's just too important.

The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn't FBI material.

Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room.

Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.

- What did you do?

The man calmly replies:

- The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!

What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
→ A good start!

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said:

- Halt, who goes there?

The chauffeur, a corporal, says:

- General Wheeler.

- I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield.

The general said:

- Drive on!

The sentry said:

- Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.

The general repeated:

- I'm telling you, son, drive on!

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said:

- General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend:

- Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!

- I see millions of stars - Watson said.

- What does that tell you? - Holmes asked.

Watson replied:

- Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?

- Watson, you idiot - he said.

- Someone has stolen our tent!

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer's Lingo

• "COMPETITIVE SALARY" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" - We have no time to train you.
• "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" - Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• "DUTIES WILL VARY" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" - We have no quality control.
• "CAREER-MINDED" - Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• "APPLY IN PERSON" - If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
• "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee's Lingo

• "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" - I've used Microsoft Office.
• "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" - I pilfer office supplies.
• "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" - I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" - I blame others for my mistakes.
• "I'M PERSONABLE" - I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" - I carry a Day-Timer.
• "I AM ADAPTABLE" - I've changed jobs a lot.
• "I AM ON THE GO" - I'm never at my desk.
• "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" - The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.