Newest jokes

If IBM made toasters ...

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters ...

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters ...

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Xerox made toasters ...

You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters ...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters ...

They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters ...

The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters ...

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Fisher Price made toasters ...

"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters ...

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

What have an apple and an orange got in common?
→ Neither of them can drive a tractor!

What's the definition of strain?
→ Teeth marks in the toilet seat!

A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him:

- Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?

- Other guy - Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

- See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest tits in the world was there. So, instead of saying:

- I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said:

- I'd like a Picket to Tittsburgh. And then she socked me one.

- First guy - Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife:

- Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.

- But I accidentally said:

- You ruined my life you fuckin' bitch!

ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer...or put it in the bathroom.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
18. You say....... "Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.
23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this.... "BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL... ASAP".
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and kisses.
25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say "BRB".
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.
28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

What's invisible & smells like carrots?
→ Bunny Farts!

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

- Good lord, mister - he gasped, are you drunk?

- Of course - said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.

- What the hell do you think I am...a stunt driver!

Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.

- Certainly, sir - said the lady behind the counter, shall I put them on your bill?

- NO WAY! - replied Donald Duck, What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!

Top 10 signs you bought a bad christmas tree:

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
11. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
12. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it
13. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride
14. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
15. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list
16. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it
17. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
18. Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it
19. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.

As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.

He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.

Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa --filled with rage-- threw open the door.

Standing there was a little angel who said:

- Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?

Hence...the story of the Angel atop the tree.