Newest jokes

What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake?
→ A milk shake!

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring:

- Well, it looks plastic.

Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding:

- But it feels like rubber.

Curious, the attorney asked:

- What do you have there?

The drunk replied:

- I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

The attorney responded:

- Let me take a look.

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.

- Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?

The drunk replied:

- Out of my nose!

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?
→ White-out on the screen!

How can you tell she's made the corrections?
→ She wrote over the white out!

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said:

- All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard:

- All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

- For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said:

- Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these.

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted:

- Spit 'em out, they're assholes!

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

- Louise, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think? - he moaned.

- Even worse - she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

- You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face.

- He's an asshole - piss on him!

- You did - Louise informed him.

- And he fired you.

- Well, screw him! - said John.

- I did. You're back at work on Monday!

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

- Guy: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Girl: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says:

- Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?

He said:

- I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn't think straight.

She smiled at him and said:

- So what are you thinking now?

He said:

- I think I did a pretty good job!

Why did the boy take a ladder to school?
→ It was a high school.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced:

- Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

- Yes? - replied the teacher.

- Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?