Newest jokes

There is is this guy and he has three mistresses. Well, he decides that he only wants to have one, so he has to choose. He decides on a way to choose by giving them each $150 and telling them to go off and spend it how they see fit.

The first girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a complete makeover and new hair-do. The guy thinks that is really nice.

The second girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a new see through nightie. The guy thinks that is really nice too.

The third girl comes back and puts a wad of money onto the table in front of him.

- What's this ? - he asks.

The girl explains that she has taken the $150 and invested it and made $2000 with it. The guy is really impressed by this but now he has to go away and decide who he will keep. So who do you think he picks ????? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

The one with the biggest BOOBS, of course!

- Bridegroom: Dear, we've been back from the Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?

- Bride: But darling, we are alone, aren't we?

- Bridegroom: What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?

- Bride: MY mother! I thought she was YOUR mother!!!

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill.

- Set up everybody in the place! - he shouts.

The bartender obliges.

Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy's pocket.

The Bartender asks what's going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says:

- just set everybody up again.

Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy.

Once more the little man appears from the guy's shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket.

Bartender says:

- explain yourself, or leave.

Guy says:

- Well....

- I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes!

- So my first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill!

- Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beatuiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!

- Third wish...

- I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!

Why do so many Polish navy personnel drown?
→ Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push!

There was a blonde and a brunette watching the 10:00 news. A news reporter was in the foreground, giving a report. In the background there was a man and a bridge.

- I'll bet you 50 bucks that the guy jumps off of the bridge - the brunette said to the blonde.

- Okay, it's a bet.

A moment later, the man did jump off the bridge and the blonde pulled out 50 dollars.

- I can't take it.

- You have to, it was a bet.

- I really can't take it. You see, I watched the 6:00 news and saw him jump then.

The brunette was feeling very humble at this point.

And the blonde said:

- Well, I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump twice!

A supply of Viagra was stolen last night, police are looking for two hardened criminals and they can expect stiff sentences when caught!

- Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

- Multiple Personality -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

- Dementia -- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

- Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

- Mania -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

- Borderline Personality -- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

- Paranoia -- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

- Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry. I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why

- Depression -- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

- Obsessive Compulsive -- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...

- Passive Aggressive -- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me... (And Then Took it All Away)

- Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys:

• one tin of beans
• one bag of chips
• one pack of burgers
• one tub of ice cream
• one cake
• one case of beer
• one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The guy replies sarcastically:

- Yes. However did you guess?

The girl replies:

- Simple...

- You are one ugly bastard!